


Freedom Hangs Like Heaven

by lookninjas



Series: Children's Work [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cults, End-of-the-World Theology, Gen, Militia Movement, Religion, Religious Abuse, Religious Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 16:11:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6712042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lookninjas/pseuds/lookninjas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben and Rey, doing the best they can.  (Follow-up to "Children's Work.")</p>
            </blockquote>





	Freedom Hangs Like Heaven

Seven hotel rooms after Rey's mom gets arrested, Ben starts praying again.  

  
He doesn't say anything about it before it happens; he doesn't tell Rey he's going to pray or tell her that she should pray or anything like that.  They go to bed like they always do, each in their own beds, and lay there for a while.  It never really gets dark in hotel rooms, even with the blinds shut tight; there's always yellow light that filters through from outside, occasional bright flashes as cars streak by outside.  It reminds Rey of Jackson, of their little house by the railroad tracks.  It never got dark there, either.  There were always streetlights, always cars streaking past.  She remembers laying there in the her little bed in her little room, listening to her mother talking to someone outside the door.  She doesn't remember who it was; she remembers her mother crying.

  
She wonders if her mother is crying now.  If she's sad about being in jail, about Uncle Plutt being in jail.  They say Plutt was the one who killed the police officer; Rey read it on the front page of a newspaper in a bookstore in Petoskey.  Ben had already gone looking for the children's section, but Rey saw Plutt's face on the paper and stopped, drawn in.  He had an orange suit on and a beard coming and his hands were chained; the newspaper said he was "defiant."  

  
He'd called Rey "defiant," before.  Said she was going to Hell for it.  Because she refused to do things the way he'd told her.  Refused to obey.

  
Then Ben came back looking for her, found her still staring at the newspaper.  He crouched down next to her, put a big, warm hand on her back.  Looked at the newspaper for a while, too, and then sighed.  "Oh, Rey," he said, softly.  "You need to get out of here?"

  
And then he took her to Murdick's for ice cream, and they ate it on a picnic table in the park, sitting side-by-side and not speaking, and they never did buy Rey a new book to read.

  
She sort of wishes they had, now.  It would be something to think about that's not Plutt in his orange suit, defying the judge.

  
Rey wonders if he'll go to Hell, the way he always told her she was going to Hell.  She knows she's not supposed to want that.  It doesn't stop her from wanting it anyway.

  
And then there's movement from Ben's bed and Rey thinks he's going to grab the cell phone from the table and go into the bathroom again and call his father.  Maybe ask him some questions about Plutt; maybe just cry for a while, the way he did when he turned the First Order in.  But instead he just climbs out of bed and drops to his knees next to it and clasps his hands together and leans his arms on the mattress and rests his head on his hands and his hair falls forward and even in the weird yellow light from outside, he looks like a picture from a book.  Like he should have a teddy bear with him.  Pajamas with feet.

  
(Rey hasn't seen her teddy bear since the night they left.  She wonders where it went.  She hopes it isn't lonely.)

  
He never said he was going to start praying again.  He never told Rey she needed to pray with him.  Probably if she asked him about it, he'd say it was her choice and that she was good and she was going to Heaven no matter what, because that's the sort of thing Ben says now.  

  
Rey climbs out of bed anyway, settles on her knees next to Ben, folds her hands and bows her head and then stops, because she doesn't know how to pray on her own.  Uncle Plutt always told her what to pray for.  Obedience, mostly.  To not be so defiant all the time.  To be good and quiet and peaceful and still and do as she was told.  She doesn't think Ben wants her to pray for that.  But she doesn't know what to pray for on her own.  She's never really tried before.

  
In the end, she just kneels next to Ben, with her hands folded and her head bowed and her eyes closed, and listens to his breathing, and wonders what someone like Ben prays for.  When he was Kylo, he was a prophet like Snoke, only younger and not as smart.  God gave him visions.  Maybe He still does.  What do you ask for when God gives you visions?  More visions?  Nicer visions?

  
_I prayed and God sent me to you._

  
It doesn't make sense that God would bother with someone like Rey.  But Ben's God is different from Uncle Plutt's.  Does things differently.  He might like different sorts of people than Plutt's.

  
Maybe.

  
Or maybe Plutt is right and Ben is wrong and Ben's God is really Satan lying to them and they're both going to Hell.  Rey still hasn't made up her mind about that.

  
She's just thinking that maybe she could pray for God to tell her whether or not He's really Satan, and trying to work out if that's asking too much since she isn't a prophet and shouldn't get signs, when Ben leans over and kisses her on the hair.

  
Her mother used to kiss her like that sometimes.  Sometimes all the time, she'd be kissing Rey.  Hugging Rey.  Scooping her up and carrying her around.  Ben hasn't kissed Rey very much but he hugs her a lot, and carries her whenever she's tired.  A few days ago, she woke up and he was in her bed next to her, his arm over her.  Her mother used to sleep in her bed, when she and Uncle Plutt were fighting.  But she stopped.  Uncle Plutt didn't like that.

  
When Ben climbs back into his bed, Rey climbs up after him, sliding under the blankets and then rolling over so her back is to him, her hands clutching the pillow, and she waits.

  
Ben's arm drapes over her, heavy and warm, and he kisses her hair again.  "'Night, Rey," he says.

  
"'Night," she says, and closes her eyes.

  
She falls asleep before her thoughts can circle back around to her mother or Uncle Plutt.

 

  
  
*

 

  
  
It's August and they're standing together on a beach with their feet in the water.  It's hot and the water is cold and it feels good against her toes and her heels and the tops of her feet.  Further along the beach, other kids are swimming in swimsuits, laughing and shrieking and throwing themselves into the waves.  Rey wonders what that would feel like, the cold Lake Michigan water over all of her skin.  Ben's God would let her do that, probably; He would let her wear a swimsuit and go into the water.  Like a baptism.  Go in Rey-of-Sunshine Plutt and come out Reyanne Keller.  Reborn and new.

  
Would she even remember Rey-of-Sunshine, after that?  Or would she forget all of it?  Forget the First Order and Uncle Plutt and the days her mother wouldn't talk to her because she'd been defiant again and no one talks to little girls who defy their patriarchs.  Maybe forget her mother entirely, even the way she'd been before Plutt.  The little house by the railroad tracks in Jackson, the yellow light and her mother crying outside the door.  

  
It might not be so bad, forgetting.  

  
She looks up at Ben.  Ben is looking out across the water at nothing in particular.  He laughs, and it sounds sad.

  
"Sorry," he says, a second later, although Rey didn't ask him why he was laughing.  Sometimes she's afraid to ask Ben too many questions.  Not because she's afraid he'd be angry, because he doesn't seem to do that as much as he used to.  But he gets sad a lot easier, and that's worse.  "Just...  My mom always used to promise that she'd take the summer off.  No new cases, no new projects, no campaigns.  Nothing at all.  And we'd come up here for the whole summer, just the three of us.  The whole summer."

  
"Did you?"  Rey asks.  Because he hasn't said, and she doesn't like to guess.  Because he's only given her half a story, and she likes stories with endings.

  
"No," Ben says, and glances down at her.  His hands are dangling down at his sides; he looks like he wants to reach out but he doesn't know how.  Rey almost reaches out herself, but she's not sure she's allowed.  Sometimes she misses Plutt's rules.  Everything was clear then, even though she hated it.  "No, we didn't.  We stayed for a week, once.  That was the longest.  Usually it was three days, maybe four.  A long weekend, and then we had to go home again.  Or my mom did, anyway.  And my dad always wanted to go home with her because he said she wouldn't sleep or eat if we were gone, just work.  So we never stayed too long."

  
Rey's mom worked, once.  Rey doesn't remember it well, but she remembers her mom talking about it afterwards.  How much she hated it, working.  How awful it made her feel.  How much better it was to be at home with Rey all the time, like a mother should do.

   
Uncle Plutt had worse things to say about women who worked.

  
Sometimes Rey wonders if Plutt ever said a nice thing in his life.

  
"Do you miss her?" Rey asks, and Ben looks out at the water again, even as his fumbling fingers reach out for Rey's hand.  She reaches back, helps him find her.

  
"Yeah," he says, finally.  "Yeah.  Her and my dad.  I miss them both."

  
Ben's hand is big and warm around hers.  It helps a little.  "I miss my mom, too," Rey says, quietly.

  
"Yeah," Ben says again.  "I know."  

  
The seagulls shriek and the children shriek and the waves lap at the shore.  Rey can hear a boat motor, somewhere.  Cars on the road.  Someone laughing loud.

  
"Does it stop?" Rey asks.

  
Ben just stares out at the horizon.  The wind blows his hair around his face; it's starting to get long.  He'll look like a hippie soon if he's not careful.  "My grandpa left his family," he says.  "My grandma, my mom, my uncle Luke.  He got this job, with the President.  So he went to Washington D.C., and he just...  never came back.  Even when my grandma got sick.  Even when she died.  He just walked away from all of it.  My mom never forgave him.  She even changed her name, she was that mad.  Anyway, this one Father's Day, it's me and her and my dad and Grandpa Organa, who is the man who adopted her when her mom died, and she just...  I don't know.  She got up from the table in the middle of dinner, and she walked out, and my dad went after her.  Grandpa Organa said it was because she missed her father, her real father.  I didn't understand it at the time.  Like I said, she was really mad at him for leaving.  And she should've been.  It was an awful thing and he shouldn't have done it.  But it wasn't enough to stop her missing him.  Even years and years later."  Finally, he looks down at Rey again.  The sun shadows his face so she can't see it, but she doesn't think he's crying.  He seems very calm.  "So no, Rey.  I don't think it's going to stop.  I think we just keep going."

  
It doesn't totally make sense.  It sounds very serious and sad, but it doesn't totally make sense.  "Did your mom love the man who adopted her?  Grandpa Organa; did she love him?"

  
"Oh, absolutely," Ben says.  "He loves her and she loves him.  Very much.  But that doesn't mean that she can't still love Grandpa Skywalker, that she can't still miss him.  Like I said.  We keep going."

  
It still sounds like such a sad thing.  To keep going.  To never stop.

  
"We should get home," Ben says, finally.  Home, to their little apartment on Jackson Street with one bedroom and one bed.  Ben sleeps on the couch, curled up small to fit on it.  If it hurts him, he never complains.  "You want me to carry you back to the car, so your feet aren't all covered in sand?"

  
_She's not a baby, Marnie.  She can goddamn carry herself._

  
Rey nods, and wraps both arms around Ben's neck as he lifts her up.  He carries her easily with one arm, all four of their shoes in his other hand, all the way back to the car.  His wet feet get coated with sand up to his ankles, but he doesn't even seem to mind.

 

  
  
*

 

  
  
Rey stands in the corner of the classroom by the toy stove and tries very, very hard not to listen.  She wishes she could cover her ears, but she's afraid of how Ms. Kloss would look at her if she did.  She already looks at Rey funny.  Most of them do.

  
"-- stepfather was...  He wasn't a very good person."  Ben's voice is harsh.  Angry.  Scared.  "It's why he's not around anymore.  Look, I'll talk --"

  
Rey can't hear what Ms. Kloss says next.  She talks quietly, most of the time.  Quiet and gentle and sweet, and Rey kind of hates her a little bit.  She's too nice.  Can't be trusted.

  
"That was just what he wanted us to call him.  It's not...  It's complicated.  But he's gone now, and he's not going to be back, and Rey's -- I mean, she's trying.  She's doing the best that she can.  But she didn't get to go to school, before, and --"

  
Ms. Kloss, again.  Rey stares at the plastic frying pan and the plastic fried egg and the plastic bacon and tries very hard not to cry.  At least no one else is in the room.  They all look at her funny already.  It'd be worse if they caught her crying.

  
"I know," Ben says, finally.  Still mad and scared but also sad too.  "I know, I know.  I'm sorry.  Look, he's...  He's not in the picture anymore, okay?   And he's not going to be in the picture.  Ever.  Even if...  But I'm not gonna let him anywhere near her again.  I'm not.  No matter what."

  
More from Ms. Kloss.  

  
When Ben speaks again, he sounds defeated.  "I know," he says again. "I...  I mean, it's just tough, you know?  She's only six.  Most of that time she was with him.  And Mom didn't...  And I wasn't there, and sometimes it just feels like...  But we're trying.  We really are.  It's just a lot, you know?  He...  He told her a lot of things, and no one ever told her otherwise until now, and it's just..."

  
It gets quiet, then, for a long time.  Too long, and Rey has to turn around, just to see.  Ben and Ms. Kloss are still standing by the windows.  Ms. Kloss has her hand on Ben's shoulder.  Ben has one hand covering his eyes, an arm wrapped around his ribs.  They both look sad.

  
Rey wishes, briefly, that she had told Jonette she was going to Hell.  Not for wearing pants because Rey knows other girls that wear pants and she wouldn't want them to feel bad.  But for asking stupid questions that Rey can't answer without making stupid Ms. Kloss want to talk to Ben and make him sad.

  
Then Ben drops the hand from his face and looks over at Rey.  Worried.  She tries to smile but can't do it.  

  
Ms. Kloss goes to her desk and scribbles something on a piece of paper.  She gives it to Ben.

  
"Thanks," Ben says.  "I'll...  Thank you.  I'll see you Monday?"

  
Ms. Kloss pats his shoulder, then turns to Rey.  She smiles and waves, and Rey hates her.  She really, really hates her.

  
Then Ben is kneeling in front of her, dark hair hanging in his eyes and moles and freckles all speckling his face, his brown eyes wide and scared.  He's been growing a mustache.  It looks kind of dumb.  "Hey," he says, and Rey has to work really hard not to start crying.  "Rey.  Listen.  You're not in trouble and no one's mad, okay?  I promise.  You're not in any trouble.  No one's mad at you."

  
_Rey_ is mad, though.  Rey is mad at Jonette for asking stupid questions and Ms. Kloss for worrying about her all the time and even Ben, because Rey knows Ms. Kloss can still hear him -- he's so loud all the time -- and she knows what face Ms. Kloss is making right now and she's going to have to look at it five days a week for the rest of the whole year and she hates school and she hates everything.

  
She hates being scared.

  
She hates that she can't just be someone else now.

  
"I didn't say anyone else was going to Hell," she mutters, and can't look Ben in the eye anymore.  "I just said Uncle Plutt said _I_ would go to Hell.  I didn't even say he was right.  I just said that he said it."

  
"I know," Ben says, and puts both his hands on her shoulders, and Rey just wants to fall into his arms and start crying but she doesn't want Ms. Kloss to see it.  "Come on.  We'll talk about it at home."

  
He tries to pick her up but she can't let him.  She pulls away, holds out her hand instead.  Glares at Ben until he sighs and stands and takes her hand in his and starts leading her out of the room, her pink backpack on his shoulder.

  
Rey sort of wishes she'd let Ben carry her.  She's tired and everything is awful and it just seems easier.  But she keeps walking anyway, down the hallway past the pictures and the doors and the sound of children singing in a classroom.  It's lunchtime for the older students and everything smells like sloppy joes.  Ben smells like sloppy joes, because that's what he was cooking today.  Because that's what he does when Rey's in school; he cooks lunches for the bigger kids, with a hairnet on and an apron, and something about it makes Rey sad although she doesn't always know why.  It's just...  sad.

  
She doesn't want to be in school anymore.  She wants Ben to homeschool her, like her mother did, but she doesn't bother telling him again.  She already knows it's the one thing he won't give her.  

  
And she knows why, knows he has to work and she has to be somewhere safe when he's working and school is the safest place, especially if Ben's just down the hallway, but still somehow it seems less fair than all the things Uncle Plutt denied her.  That Ben will give her anything she asks, except this.

  
They walk out of the school into bright sunlight and hot air; it's October but it still feels like summer.  Almost too hot to walk.  She likes it, usually, likes Ben walking her to school and then home again, his hand around hers, his long strides slowed so she can keep up. Sometimes one of their neighbors has their dog out, Greta or Butch or Bailey, and Rey can pet them and get kissed by them, but all the dogs are inside today.  No one is there to smile or wave.

  
Not that Rey wants to smile or wave at anyone.  Not really.

  
She doesn't even really want to hold Ben's hand.

  
She doesn't even want to see a dog.

  
Halfway down the block, Ben sighs, and tilts his head up and stares at the sky.  He forgot his sunglasses again.  "All right," he says, and crouches down next to Rey, holds his arms out.  There's a fresh red burn on the left one, striping across his pale skin.  "Come on."

  
The worst thing is, she still wants to.  She doesn't want to be mad.  She just wants to hide and she knows Ben will let her and that's why she hates him so much.  "No," she says, and stares resolutely at her shoes.

  
"Rey," Ben says, with another sigh.  "You know I'm more stubborn than you."

  
"Are not."

  
"Am too."  He almost sounds like he's smiling, not that Rey will look, and that makes it even worse.  She won't let him win.  She won't.

  
But the sun is so hot and she's so tired and she feels like her braids are falling out and she's hungry and everything is awful and she just wants to go home; she just wants Ben to pour her a glass of milk and make her a sandwich; she just wants Ben to make her feel better --

  
She gives up everything all at once, buries her face in Ben's shoulder and wraps her arms around his neck and this time, when Ben sighs, he sounds sad again.

  
"It's okay," he says, into her hair, and carries her up up up with him when he stands.  "It's okay.  I've got you."

  
"I'm really sorry," Rey manages.  "Ben?  I'm really sorry."

  
His cheek brushes up against her hair.  "Nothing to be sorry for," he says.

  
But it's not true.  She knows what Ben wants her to be; she knows she isn't that person.  It's just like when she was living with her mom and Uncle Plutt -- she can't be what she's supposed to be.  She tries so hard, but she just...  can't.

  
"Rey," Ben says, and the worst thing is he isn't even mad at her.  He never gets mad at her, not really, and it's awful.  It's the worst thing ever.

  
Ben carries her all the way home, up the stairs of the building and down the hallway to their apartment.  He fumbles with the keys, has to shift her a few times to get them out, and Rey knows she should let go, stand on her own feet again, but she can't right now.  As long as Ben is holding on to her, he can't walk away.

  
Finally, the door swings open, and Ben carries her inside.  

  
It's hot; they don't have an air conditioner, just a big fan, and it doesn't do much but push the air around.  Rey's starting to sweat, her arms slipping on Ben's neck.  But she doesn't let go until he sets her gently on the couch, doesn't even really want to let go then but Ben is pulling back and she's too tired to hold on the way she needs to.  

  
His hands cup her face.  "Rey," he says, gently.  "Hey.  Open your eyes.  Rey?  Look at me.  Come on, look at me; it's okay."

  
"I'm sorry," Rey says, and can't open her eyes because there's too many tears behind her eyelids.  They slip out anyway, and Ben brushes them away with his thumbs.  "I'm sorry.  I can't do it right.  I'm really sorry."

  
"Hey, no, listen."  When Rey can't stop crying, Ben climbs onto the couch with her, the cushions sagging under him and drawing her down until her face is pressed to the sleeve of Ben's t-shirt, leaking tears down his bare arm.  "I meant it when I said you didn't have anything to be sorry for.  You didn't do anything wrong, Rey."

  
"But I'm supposed to be happy now.  I'm supposed to be good, and happy, and okay, and I'm not, I'm not, I'm --"

  
"Oh, Rey," Ben says, and pulls her onto his lap, and hugs her close.  "Rey."

  
"Please don't be mad at me."  She doesn't know what she'd do if Ben got mad at her.  Ben sat with her when she was being shunned.  Ben stayed with her when her mother sent her away.  Ben is the only person she has and she doesn't want to be alone because she's so afraid of being alone.  "Please, Ben."

  
"I'm not mad," Ben promises, and hugs her and kisses her hair and he should be mad but he's not and she doesn't understand and she doesn't deserve it but she believes him.  She does believe him.  "I promise, Rey.  I'm not mad at you."

  
He hugs her until she's mostly stopped crying.

  
Then he makes her a sandwich for lunch and pours her a glass of milk, and she's not even really hungry anymore but she eats and she drinks and she tries, so hard, to be better.

 

  
  
*

 

  
  
"Ben?"

  
Ben's head was already bent towards his hands, but he straightens at the sound of her voice, turns and looks at her.  "Yeah, Rey?"

  
She probably shouldn't ask.  But everything is weird and nothing feels right and she needs advice, and Ben is the only person who can give it to her.  "What do you pray for?" she asks, and when he blinks at her, she adds, "When you pray at night.  What are you praying for?"

  
Ben's lips flatten out into a thin line.  When Plutt made that face it was because he was angry, but when Ben makes it it's usually because he's thinking.  He's probably just thinking now.  Rey hopes that's all it is, anyway.  "Lots of things," he says, finally, and shrugs.  "Patience the most, because I'm not good at patience yet.  And then just help making good decisions, because I don't always.  Um...  For Him to take care of my mom and my dad and Hux and your mom, because we're not there to do it and someone has to.  And to help me take care of you, and do what's best for you.  And then I have to thank Him, too, for what's He's done.  Leading me to you, helping me get out.  Helping keep us together.  So I always thank Him, for that.  For you."

  
Ben says a lot of things that Rey doesn't understand, but even he's never said anything like this.  "For me?"

  
"Mm-hmm."  Ben smiles at her, half his face lit up and half his face in shadow and maybe he's not a prophet.  Maybe he's an actual angel.  Real people aren't nice like this.  Rey has met a lot of them.  She should know.  "You saved my life, Rey.  I wouldn't have gotten out if it wasn't for you."

  
Maybe he's not an angel.  Maybe he's just crazy.  "You got _me_ out," she says.  "Because you thought the government would burn the compound down.  So you got me out.  And saved my life."

  
Ben opens his mouth, closes it again.  Shakes his head.  "I did," he says finally.  "And that's what got me out, too.  If God hadn't told me to save you, Rey, if He hadn't led me to you, I would've stayed.  And probably I would've done what Snoke wanted, or at least I would've tried, and... I don't know what I'd have become then.  And I'll never know.  Because of you.  Because you saved me."

  
Rey stares at him a little longer, then reaches out and puts her hand to his forehead.  He doesn't feel like he has a fever.  "You're not making sense, Ben," she says, quietly.

  
When Ben looks up at her hand on his forehead, his eyes cross.  He looks back at her, smiles wider.  "Well, I think I make sense," he says.  "But you don't have to agree.  What do you pray for, Rey?"

  
He's trying to help her.  He doesn't know.  Rey doesn't want to tell him.

  
She pulls her hand back from his forehead, folds it with her other on the mattress, and wonders if she can lie to Ben.  

  
"Nothing," she says, finally, because she doesn't know what else to say.  "I want to pray, I do, but --  but I don't know what you want me to pray for."

  
Ben goes very still next to her.  When he finally speaks again, he's not smiling anymore.  "Rey," he says, seriously.  "What you pray for is between you and God.  I can't tell you what that should be.  No one can.  It has to come from you.  From your heart."  One of his hands touches her, gently, in the center of her chest.

   
It's the absolute worst thing he could've said.  "I'm going to Hell," she says, and chokes on a sob.  "I'm bad, and I don't have anything in my heart, and I'm --"

  
"No, no, no, Rey --"  Ben rubs her back and kisses her hair and wraps his arm around her and pulls her in close to his chest.  "You're not bad.  You're not going to Hell.  It's not your fault.  Did Plutt tell you what to pray, before?"

  
He says that name like it's the worst curse word he knows.  It makes Rey feel a little better, somehow.  She nods, but can't quite manage to get the words out.

  
_Did you pray like I told you?_

  
He knew when she hadn't.  He always knew.

  
"You got in trouble for not doing it right," Ben says, because he knows things sometimes, too.  Things Rey tries not to tell him, not because he'll get mad at her, but just...  just because.  Because he doesn't have to be mad at her to be mad.  Right now he sounds more sad than anything, but Rey's not sure that's better.  "It's okay, Rey.  It's --  God knows what happened to you.  He knows that things are hard for you right now.  He understands.  He knows you're scared, and He'll...  He'll wait for you.  Until you're not."

  
Sometimes Rey thinks that when Ben is talking about God, he's really talking about himself.  But Ben's a prophet, or at least he used to be.  God talks through him.  So that's probably why.  "I don't want to be scared," she says, finally.  "I don't --  I don't want that anymore."

  
"You won't be scared forever," Ben promises her, and it really does sound like a promise.  "It just takes time, Rey.  We haven't even been gone that long, not really.  It'll get better.  It just takes time.  And you have to be patient with yourself.  I know it's not easy, but...  But maybe God could help you with that, if you asked Him to."

  
She's not even really sure what that means -- being patient with herself.  Being patient is something you do with other people.  With yourself, you have to be stern.  Be strict.  Push harder and be better and never let down your guard.  But it'll make Ben happy.  It's what Ben wants her to pray for.  She can start with that.

  
"Out loud?" she asks, and Ben eases away from her slowly, going back to his own small place on the floor, one hand just resting on her back.

  
"If you want to," Ben says.  "You don't have to.  But it won't distract me if you do.  Whatever works best."

  
Rey thinks it over, decides it might be better to not do it out loud, not right now.  She might sound too much like she's copying what Ben wants her to say.  Or worse, she might not copy it enough.  

  
She closes her eyes and bends her head.

  
_Dear God, please help me to be patient with myself so I can not be afraid anymore._

  
It seems like such a short prayer.  Ben always prays for a long time.

  
She could try being thankful, maybe.  Plutt always told her to be more thankful for what the Lord had given her, which she could never really do because most of the time she wasn't thankful at all.  But she's thankful for Ben now, and that's something.

  
Anyway, he's thankful for her, so he can't get mad about it.

  
_And thank You for Ben, for sending him to come save me.  Thank You for having him stay with me instead of taking me to Foster Care.  Thank You for not letting him kill someone but instead getting him away so he wouldn't be a murderer and go to jail.  And thank You for not letting Snoke burn everything down, and take care of my mom in jail, and make her be strong and brave and tell her I love her if You can and I hope she forgives me someday.  I miss her_.

  
She sniffles.  Ben's hand rubs her back.  She'd forgotten he was praying one-handed.  She hopes it still works okay.

  
Just in case, she adds, _And take care of Ben's mom and dad.  And help me take care of him for them, so he's not too sad or too lonely.  And help me understand what he wants me to be, so I can be good and go to Heaven like he wants me to.  And be patient with myself, and not afraid._

  
_In Jesus' name, I pray._

  
_Amen._

  
Which seems like not a bad prayer, maybe, although it's still not as long as Ben's.  He prays quietly for a long time, one hand resting on the mattress, the other hand on Rey's shoulder.

  
She wonders if he's praying over her.  Snoke never did that, but some of the tv preachers did.  They prayed over people, and the people fell down shaking and came up healed.  Rey doesn't feel like shaking or falling down, so maybe it's not working.

  
Or maybe Ben's God does healing differently, too.

  
Ben's God does everything differently.

   
Maybe He's a Catholic God.  Or a Mormon one.  Or something else like that.

  
Finally, Ben leans in and kisses her hair, the way he always does when he finishes praying.  _I always thank Him for you._

  
Rey wonders if her mother ever thanked God for her.  Maybe before she met Uncle Plutt, maybe before she fell in love.  Rey doesn't remember.

  
She still hopes, selfishly, that Ben never falls in love with anyone.  That he never finds someone new to be thankful for.

  
"Ben?"  His eyes open; they're soft when they look at her.  Sometimes she thinks he might even love her a little.  Like she's really his sister and they're not just pretending.  "Don't go sleep on the couch tonight, okay?"

  
"Sure thing, Rey."  He smiles, pats her shoulder one last time, and then clambers up to his feet.  "All right.  You need anything before I hit the lights?"

  
Rey shakes her head; she lets Ben help her to her feet, pull back the covers for her and tuck her into bed.  She watches him cross the room to turn off the lights, all skinny legs in boxer shorts and big ears sticking out from underneath his dark hair.  Then he's coming back, his weight making the bed sag (all their furniture sags, here, and sometimes she misses hotel rooms, but it's nice having something that's theirs, or at least theirs for a whole year and not a night or two).  He slides under the blanket next to her, and when his knees brush up against the soles of her feet, he hisses and flinches a little.  

  
"Cold toes," he says.  "How come your toes are always so cold?"

  
"They're not," Rey says, even though she's scared that maybe they are, that they're so cold Ben will go to the couch after all and sleep out there, away from her, out where he could get up in the middle of the night and just walk away.  She knows she shouldn't worry about that, but she still does.  She'll have to ask God to help with that, tomorrow.  "They're not cold."

  
"Yeah they are," Ben says, and drapes one heavy arm over her, and it's suddenly a lot harder for Rey to worry about things.  "Night, Rey."

  
"Night," she says, and lets her eyes finally close.

  
She'll work on a better prayer for tomorrow.  But at least she prayed tonight, and that's something.

 

  
  
*

 

  
  
" _Yes_!"  Ben claps his hands and bounces on the couch, making Rey shake so hard that she almost drops her book.  "That's how you do it!"  He makes a funny noise and pumps his fist in the air and claps his hands again.

  
_And the Lions beat the Bears, 21-17.  If this keeps up, they could find themselves in playoff contention once again._

  
_But the real question, Tom, is --_

  
"We won?" Rey asks, watching as people in blue uniforms jump up and down on the TV.  Even in helmets, they look almost as happy as Ben does.

  
"Heck yeah we did."  Ben reaches out, and Rey just manages to stuff one hand in her book to mark her place before he's grabbing her, dragging her in and smacking a big kiss on the top of her head.  "See?  I knew we'd be all right without Barry Sanders.  I bet Grandpa Organa is freaking out right now.  He's probably --"  And Rey can feel it when Ben's happiness starts slipping away abruptly, and there's nothing she can do to bring it back.

  
She lets her book fall to the floor anyway and shifts more firmly into his lap, her cheek pressed up against the blue lion on his sweatshirt.  "Barry Sanders is a jerk," she says, to try to make him feel better.

  
"Barry Sanders is one of the best players of all time," Ben says, although he doesn't sound like he cares too much.  "But a team's more than just one player.  The Lions are more than just one player.  They'll be fine."

  
"Yeah, they will," Rey says, and snuggles closer, and Ben wraps his arms around her.  "Ben?  I'm sorry you miss your grandpa."

  
"It's okay."  Ben rests his chin on the top of her head.  "I'd rather miss him than miss you.  Even if you don't really care about football."

  
"Do too," she says, because it's what she always says, and it usually makes Ben smile at least a little bit.

  
"Do not," Ben says, and she can't see his face but there's a smile in his voice, and his long fingers tickle at her sides for just a second, making her shriek and swat at him.  When he sinks back into the couch again, she settles against his chest, her face pressed against that blue lion.

  
She's a little sleepy, maybe.  

  
"Dad always said that when he met Grandpa Organa, they realized they had exactly two things in common," Ben says, his voice rumbling under her ear.  "They both loved my mom, and they both loved the Lions.  Grandpa told my parents they didn't even have to raise me Catholic, as long as they brought me up a Lions fan.  So that's what they did.  We got to go to the Thanksgiving game once, when I was eleven.  We won that one, too.  It was against the Vikings.  Dad was so loud.  But Grandpa was louder.  I never heard him shout like that before.  It was pretty embarrassing."

  
"Bet you were loudest of all," Rey says, and Ben snorts above her.

  
"Was not.  How come you're so mean to me today?"

  
"I'm not mean," Rey says, but she sounds lazy even to herself.  It's been a good Thanksgiving.  They didn't have a turkey, but Ben roasted a chicken and made carrots and green beans and mashed potatoes and stuffing from a box.  And they had cranberry sauce and pie, and Ben gave her exactly as much Cool-Whip as she wanted.  Last year she had Thanksgiving with Uncle Plutt's family, and the turkey was dry, and there wasn't enough pie for everyone so she had to go without.  And all the other kids there were older than her, and none of them talked to her at all, but her mom wouldn't let her bring a book so she didn't have anything to do but sit, alone.  "Your grandpa's Catholic?"

  
"Mostly."  Ben must be sleepy too; he shifts underneath her, legs sprawling.  "More than my mom, less than my grandma.  Uncle Luke was really serious about it for a while.  He was almost a priest.  But then he decided he couldn't do it."

  
"How come?" Rey asks, and tries not to think about all the things Plutt said about Catholics and Catholic priests.  Anyway, Plutt is not a very nice person, and she's sure Ben's family is nice.  He talks about them like he loves them, and that's good enough for Rey.

  
"Because," Ben says, and shifts again, not as lazy this time.  More like he's worried.  Like something's wrong.  "Because he fell in love.  And priests aren't supposed to do that, or at least Catholic ones aren't, so...  So he left seminary.  And he never became a priest."

  
"Oh."  He doesn't say it sadly, but it seems a little sad, anyway.  Having to choose like that.  "Is he still Catholic?"

  
Ben shrugs underneath her.  "Not really.  It was...  There was some other stuff going on at the time.  It was complicated.  No one ever really explained it all to me, just bits and pieces.  I still don't know if I really understand.  But he went back to believing in God, in the end.  He tried not to for a while, but he couldn't really stop, so.  He just...  I don't want to say he found a new God.  I don't know if it works like that.  I think he just had to learn to understand God on His own terms.  Like you and I are trying to do."

  
It seems like such an impossible thing, understanding God.  He's so big.  Rey feels so small.  Even Ben is smaller than God, and Ben is one of the tallest people she knows.  "What if we're wrong?" she asks, and immediately wonders if she should be scared.  But Ben doesn't seem to mind questions.  Maybe he gets it from his uncle.  "What if we think we know what God wants and then it turns out He wants something else, and we're wrong?"

  
Ben is quiet for a while, so quiet she'd think he was asleep if he wasn't absently petting her braid with one hand.  "I don't know," he says, finally.  "I guess no one's ever really sure.  All I know is God made us who we are for a reason.  And trying to change that --  That just seems like a strange thing for Him to want, I guess.  You know what I mean?  It doesn't make much sense.  

  
"Even Snoke always told me he was helping me uncover my true nature.  Be what I was always meant to be.  He was wrong, or maybe he was just saying what I wanted to hear, or whatever.  But that doesn't mean he was wrong about how important it is to be the way God made you.  I think that's an important thing.  Like, God made you very smart, and a good reader, so I think you should go to school and read a lot and learn a lot and take that as far you can.  You know?  He gave you a gift.  I want to see you use it."

  
"You have a gift," Rey reminds him.  "You talk to God.  Snoke said so."  Because as much as she loves being Ben's sister, and living in the apartment away from Plutt, and maybe even sometimes going to school, she feels bad about Ben.  He used to be a prophet.  Now he works in the school cafeteria and delivers newspapers sometimes.  "Don't you want to talk to God?"

  
"I do talk to God," Ben says, sounding a little surprised.  "Every night.  I don't always get an answer, but then I didn't get an answer most of the time when I was with the First Order.  And when I did, He told me to take care of you.  If there's anything else He wants, Rey, I'm sure He'll let me know.  Right now, this is where I'm supposed to be."

  
He's told her this story a million times, and somehow it's still hard to believe.  She doesn't know why -- she knows Ben believes it and usually that's enough for her.  It just doesn't make sense that God would care about her.  That she's that special.

  
But Ben gets sad when she argues about it, so she doesn't anymore.  She'll pray about it again, and maybe God will help her believe.

  
"Anyway," Ben says.  "I should probably start the dishes."  

  
When he goes to shift Rey off his lap, she grabs his sweatshirt in both hands and holds on.  "This is where you're supposed to be," she reminds him, and his chest shakes as he laughs.

  
"Smart-ass," he says, but stops trying to pull her away.  "All right.  Five more minutes, and then we really do have to clean up."

  
"Sure," Rey says, and relaxes against Ben's chest, and tries to make herself as heavy as she can.

  
Ben's asleep and snoring in less than five minutes.  Maybe less than one.  Rey thinks about climbing off and going back to her book, but Ben's warm and she can feel him breathing and a nap sounds more important than finding out what happened to Percy Weasley's prefect badge, so she doesn't bother.  She just closes her eyes and waits for sleep to find her too.

 

  
  
*

 

  
She goes to sleep on the floor of the living room, curled up in a blanket next to Ben watching New Year's celebrations on tv, and wakes up alone in her bed.  It's dark and it's quiet and she's crying and she doesn't know why but nothing feels right.

  
Maybe this is the end of the world.

  
Maybe it's the Rapture and everyone got taken up but her.  Even Ben, and now she's alone with the rest of the sinners, and she doesn't know if anyone she knows will be there.  Plutt, probably, but everyone else she knows is good.  Jonette is good.  Ms. Kloss is good.  Everyone is good but her and now they're gone and she's alone and --

  
She kicks her way free of the blankets, tumbles out of bed and runs into the living room, already crying even though part of her is saying _wait wait he's probably just on the couch he usually sleeps on the couch it's fine it's fine it's_   --  But everything just feels so weird and she's so scared and even when she sees Ben there on the couch, curled up small to fit, blanket pulled over him almost up to his eyes, she still feels incomplete, like something's wrong, like maybe he died because that would be the end of the world, her world, and --

  
She shakes his shoulder and he blinks awake, squinting at her.  "Rey?  Rey, what -- Oh, hey.  Hey, Rey, no, come on, come here --"  He swings his legs off the couch and bends down to scoop her up, pulling her into his lap so she can cry into his t-shirt, clinging to him with all her might and wondering why she can't just be okay.  She felt okay last night, mostly.  Why is everything wrong now?  "It's all right, Rey.  Everything's okay.  It's just a bad dream, that's all."

  
Rey doesn't remember dreaming, but maybe she did.  "I thought you got Raptured," she mumbles, and Ben kisses her hair and hugs her close and sighs.  "I thought I was all alone."

  
"I'm right here," Ben says, softly.  "I'm right here."

  
He is, and it still doesn't make sense.  Maybe it'll never make sense.  Someone who doesn't leave. Someone who's just hers.  But she's been praying, that's the thing.  She's been praying really hard to get better.  "I just want to be better," she says.  "I just want to be good and happy and not..."

  
"I know," Ben says.  "I'm sorry, Rey. I know it's hard.  I know."

  
The worst thing is that it's not hard, not really.  

  
The worst thing is that everything is easier now.

  
The worst thing is that everything is better.

  
Everything is better and she's still so sad all the time.

  
"Hey," Ben says again, and eases Rey back a little bit so he can look at her face and wipe the tears from her face.  "I have an idea.  Trust me?"

  
She does.  So she nods.

  
"Okay."  Ben carefully sets her on the floor, then stands up, tugging his t-shirt down.  "Put your snowpants and your coat and your boots on.  I want to show you something."

  
"What?" Rey asks, wiping her eyes and blinking up at him.

  
Ben turns away and picks his sweatpants up from where he left them, folded by the end of the couch.  "You'll see when we get out there," he says.  "Come on.  Get dressed.  Promise it'll be worth it.  And if it's not, you can have hot cocoa with as many marshmallows as you want when we get back inside."

  
He'll probably give her hot chocolate anyway.  Rey watches him pull his sweatshirt over his head, his shaggy hair emerging all messed up, and then finally goes to the corner by the door to get her winter things on.

  
She doesn't know what time it is.  It must be late, because no one's outside when they get out to the sidewalk.  No cars are driving, no one's walking their dogs.  It's just them, and the streetlamps, and the snow falling all around them.  It's so quiet Rey can actually hear it land, a strange, whispery chiming.  She turns her face up to the sky, watches the individual flakes of it glittering down through the air.  It's pretty.

  
Ben takes her hand.

  
"What are we looking at?" she asks, finally.

  
"The world," he says.  "It's still here.  Everything's still here.  And so are we."

  
Rey looks back up at their apartment building, at the stairwell light still shining in the second-floor window.  Across the street, someone's Christmas lights blink on and off and on and off, coloring the snow red and orange and green.  One lone car glides down 131, rounding the curve and then vanishing.  The hospital glows in the distance.  Sparkling snow falls over everything, chiming softly as it lands.

  
"And I know that's not always the easiest thing," Ben adds, looking down at Rey.  He doesn't have a hat on, and his hair falls into his face.  He really does look like a hippie.  "But sometimes it's pretty okay."

  
He squeezes Rey's hand.  Snow lands in his hair, little white specks in the darkness.  Another car passes on 131, this time going up the hill towards Oleson's.  And Rey feels better, somehow.  Lighter.  

  
They stand outside until Rey starts to shiver (even though she has a hat on, and a real coat and snowpants, and Ben has his sweatpants and his Carhartt jacket and his heavy leather gloves and no hat and he's not shivering, which doesn't make sense), and then Ben scoops her up easily and carries her back to the apartment.

  
And he makes them hot chocolate, just like Rey thought he would.

 

  
  
*

 

  
  
Jonette's mom gets a job in April, so Ben quits delivering newspapers so he can babysit Jonette and her brother Cade after they get out of school.  The money is a little bit better and it's nicer for Rey to be at home playing with friends than sitting in the back of the Honda while Ben drives around putting newspapers in people's mailboxes.

  
Also, it's good because Leader Snoke's trial starts on May first, and he's on the front page of every newspaper for a week, and Rey's pretty sure if Ben had to look at his face that many times, he'd go nuts.  There's too many newspapers in the world as it is, too many magazine covers and tv shows and radio stations too.  Too much Snoke in the world.

  
Rey never really hated anyone before.  As awful and mean as Plutt was, Rey tried her best to love him for her mother's sake and she hasn't quite forgotten that feeling, as much as she'd like to.  But she has no reason to love Snoke, not really.  And the more Ben has to look at his face all around them, the easier it is to hate him.

  
So Rey hates him.  She hates him all the time.  She hates him when Ben is talking to Cade about school or baseball or comic books and gets suddenly distracted, stares at nothing for a long time while Cade goes on and on and on and only comes back when Cade has finally run out of words and is waiting, patiently, for an answer.  She hates him when she and Ben are walking and a car drives by, too fast, and Ben grabs Rey's hand hard and watches the car disappear into the distance like he's waiting for it to come back and snatch them right up.  She hates him when Jonette laughs too loud and Ben flinches; she hates him when Ben is washing the dishes and just freezes up with a plate in one hand and the sponge in the other and Rey's right there but she knows Ben is gone; she hates him the most when Ben kneels by Rey's bed at night with his hands folded in front of him and his hair completely shadowing his face and Rey knows, she just knows, that Ben couldn't find a prayer in his heart if his life depended on it.

  
She prays for him, then, even though she's not a prophet and she's nothing special and she's still not sure God really cares about her at all.  

  
_Please let Ben have good dreams tonight._

  
_Please help me make sure he eats breakfast tomorrow._

  
_Please break the tv in the laundromat so Ben doesn't have to hear Snoke's voice while he's folding sheets._

  
_Please help Ben be brave._

  
_Please tell him it's okay._

  
_Please give him a sign that the world's not ending._

  
_Please make sure he knows I love him._

  
She's not sure whether any of it helps, but it's what she can do.

  
She prays for Ben.  She asks him to teach her to braid Jonette's hair so he has something to look at that isn't a newspaper, and something to do with his hands that isn't fidgeting.  She helps dry the dishes and doesn't get impatient when Ben takes too long passing her plates; she lets him hold her hand as hard as he needs to.  When Cade asks a question that Ben can't hear because he's a million miles away, Rey answers for him.  

  
She does everything she can.

  
She hopes he gets better faster than she does.

 

  
  
*  


 

Rey graduates from kindergarten in June.  They have a little ceremony with hats made out of black construction paper, and Rey gets a diploma and a certificate that labels her BEST READER.  Ms. Kloss gives her a hug, and so does Jonette, which is kind of dumb because Ben is babysitting Jonette and her brother Cade all summer while Jonette's mom is at work and Jonette's mom is going to watch Rey three nights a week when Ben's at the 7-11, so they'll be seeing each other even more than they already did.  

  
But then Stephen hugs Rey, and Saffron hugs Jonette, and then everyone's hugging everyone, so maybe Jonette just got caught up in the moment.

  
Ben hugs Rey, too, but that's what Ben does.

   
"I'm proud of you," he says, right up close against her ear and his arms tight around her.  His hair is down past his earlobes now, and it tickles her cheek, but at least he finally shaved the mustache.  "You did so good.  School's not so bad, right?"

  
"I guess not," Rey says.  Because it's not, really.  The way Ms. Kloss looks at her when she reads something hard is a lot different than the look Ms. Kloss gets when Rey talks about Hell or Uncle Plutt or Ben sleeping on the couch because there's only one bed, and she's already got permission to wear long pants in gym next year instead of shorts (it's not the same as a skirt, but it's better than shorts), and she's pretty sure Jonette's going to be in her class and maybe they can even sit together, so even if some parts are still boring she'll have someone she likes next to her.

  
"Well, don't sound so excited," Ben says, but he's still hugging Rey, so she hugs him back just as tight.

  
Both Greta and Bailey are out with their humans when Ben and Rey are walking home.  They don't kiss Ben as enthusiastically as they usually do (it was a half day for the older kids, so Ben didn't have to cook anything, so he doesn't smell like sloppy joes which is probably most of the problem), but Rey gets all the kisses she wants.  And then Ben decides they need ice cream, so they go up to the party store instead of just going home, and when Kelly hears that Rey graduated from kindergarten, she gives Rey a high-five and a free cookie, which she decides to save for later.

  
And Ben's too busy deciding what flavor of ice cream to get to look at the newspapers, but it wouldn't even matter if he did, because Snoke's not on any of them.  Rey double-checks, just to make sure.

  
When they get home, the fan roaring away in the window, Ben puts Rey's BEST READER certificate on the fridge next to her Thanksgiving Turkey drawing and the program from the Christmas Concert and the school lunch menu and the picture of them that Jonette's mom took one day as Rey was putting her coat on and gave to Ben a week later and almost made him cry.  But her diploma goes into a frame and gets hung on the wall over the bookcase.

  
They eat ice cream for lunch.  

  
After, Ben lies on the floor with his hands behind his head, staring up at the ceiling.  Rey rests her head on his belly and curls up next to him, listening to him digest.  It's gross, but kind of cool.  

  
"We should go to the library," Ben says, and sighs, his stomach deflating under Rey's cheek.  "But I'm lazy."

  
"I'm not out of books yet," Rey reminds him.  "We can go tomorrow.  I don't have school."

  
"We have to get groceries tomorrow."  Then Ben sighs again.  Inflate, deflate.  Inflate, deflate.  "But I guess we can do both if we start early."

  
"Promise," Rey says.  

  
Ben's belly gurgles, and she smiles.

  
"I really am proud of you, Rey," Ben says, and just like that, Rey isn't smiling.  She feels sort of like she's about to cry.  "I mean it.  I know this year was hard for you in a lot of ways, and I know -- everything's different now, and that's hard, but you've dealt with it really well, and I'm just...  I'm really, really proud of you.  I really am."

  
There's nothing Rey can say.  She just shifts around until her head is on Ben's shoulder instead of his belly and his arm is around her and even with the fan going it's still hot in the apartment and Ben's arm is sweaty and it's kind of gross.  

  
She stays there anyway, and Ben stays there with her, holding on.

 

  
  
*

 

  
  
_Thank You for Ben, because he takes good care of me._

  
_Thank You for helping me make Ben proud of me._

  
_Help me make him proud next year too._

  
_Please tell my mom that I graduated Kindergarten, if You can._

  
_Please send Plutt and Snoke to jail for a million billion years and never let them get out again because they're very bad people._

  
_Please help Ben afford another bed for the bedroom because I don't think he should sleep on the couch anymore as he is still growing._

  
_Thank You for giving us the bed we do have, and also the bedroom, and the whole apartment._

  
_And thank You for giving Ben work where he doesn't have to be gone too much, and please don't let him miss me too bad when he's at the 7-11 and also don't let anyone rob it or shoot him or hurt him or --_

  
_Please take care of Ben.  And Ben's mother and father and Grandpa Organa and Uncle Luke. And I hope Ben doesn't have bad dreams tonight, and isn't scared, and I hope the trial ends tomorrow and Snoke and Plutt go to jail forever._

  
_Thank You for sending Ben to get me out._

  
_Thank You for giving me Ben to take care of me._

  
_Thank You for helping me make him proud._

  
_Please let me know if I can wear a swimsuit on the beach this summer because I want to but am not sure._

  
_In Jesus' name I pray, amen._

  
She finishes just as Ben presses his lips to her hair, and she smiles.

  
"Don't sleep on the couch tonight, okay?"

  
"Sure thing," Ben says, and picks her up and puts her in bed, and pulls just the sheet over her because it's too hot for the blanket.  He turns the lights off and climbs into the bed and puts his arm over her.  It's heavy and warm and it feels like home in the best way possible.

  
_Thank You_ , she thinks, and it's not even a real prayer but it still feels, somehow, like God is listening. 


End file.
